Monday, May 19, 2008

Roswell 101

I knew America’s schools were in bad shape, but I didn’t realize the scope of our educational deficiency until one of my friends asked me “What’s in Roswell?”

What’s in Roswell? Roswell, New Mexico is only the site of a purported alien UFO crash landing and purported government cover-up. Here is how it all went down:

On July 8, 1947 the military released a press release saying they had recovered a “flying disc,” only for another press release to come out a few hours later saying it was only experimental weather balloon debris. And I don’t know about you, but nothing says “military cover-up” to me like “experimental weather balloon”. Come on. The government makes crap up all the time when it suits their purposes, take “weapons of mass destruction” for example.

Some people speculate that the military pilfered technology from the recovered UFO pieces and we currently use alien technology in our everyday lives. iPods? Alien. Waffle Irons? Alien. Bluetooth ear phone talky things? Totally Alien. Have you seen people walking around talking to nothing with those things clipped to their ears? Nothing could look more alien.

People have also speculated that the government performed autopsies on the bodies of the deceased aliens, so somebody out there knows how many arms aliens have and what color their blood is and they are holding out and I think that is just wrong. The American people, nay, the world, has a right to know how many arms aliens have and what color their blood is.

One story says that one of the extraterrestrial passengers survived the crash and was nursed back to health by the military, which established a happy little rapport between the government and the alien’s homeworld and they started an “exchange” program. Your foreign exchange student is from Germany? That’s nothing. Ours is from Zeta Reticuli.

The point of all this is that on July 3 I will decide for myself if aliens exist and if they did, in fact, visit Roswell by attending my first ever Roswell Annual UFO Festival. I figure I will see the UFO museum, watch the UFO parade, see a band with an alien drummer and maybe take in a few abduction seminars while I’m at it.

I was also thinking of starting a restaurant in Roswell, with a UFO theme. On the menu I’ll have a sweet hamburger called the “Cattle Mutilation” and an awesome salad called the “Crop Circle.” I think it will be a hit.

So hustle some plasma, steal from your auntie or pawn you grandma’s jewelry. Heck, pawn your grandma if you have to, just do whatever you have to do to get the to this once-in-a-lifetime, er, annual, event. It will change your life.

See you there. Seriously.