Thursday, April 24, 2008


When I get married, I hope it is to a test tube baby or an orphan because getting married seems like an ordeal.

My sister Miranda just got married and I am pretty close to both my mother and my sister, so I was at ground zero when Bridezilla and Mothera threw down. I got a lot of phone calls like this:

Miranda: I just got off the phone with mom and I am so angry because hates weddings! And happiness.


She doesn't like any of my plans and she makes all these demands and... (digresses into hysterical babbling.)

[Meanwhile, my mom calls on call waiting.]

Hey, mom. Can I call you back? I'm on the other line with Miranda.

Oh really? Well, is she talking to you about what a self-absorbed brat she is? Because that's what she should be talking about!

Stuff like that. Every day.

If I ever get reckless enough to ask someone to marry me, I will tell her that I reserve the right to call the marriage off if she turns into a huge witch. I don’t know what it is about weddings that turns rational women into marriage maniacs. Frankly, it frightens me.

And I thought it would be over once it was over, but now my dad just complains about how much it cost him. I think they all missed the point.

Hot orphans and test tube babies wanted.